On the way home from school last week, (Hagan's first week of kindergarten) Hagan said, "Mommy, I walk to my class with my friends. There are a lot of friends whose mommies bring them to our class." Ouch! To encourage him (but more to cover my guilt of not being able to) I said to him, "Wow, Hagan! I am so proud of you for being so brave that you can do it all by yourself! You don't even need your mommy to go with you." This is how he responded, "Mommy! I wasn't all by myself. Remember, I had Grandaddy (his favorite angel), God and Jesus with me. How did you forget that mommy?" Hmmm... "Tomorrow I am going to SEND THEM ALL AWAY and do it ALL BY MYSELF." I explained to him quickly why it was not such a great idea to send them away and as I shared that the conviction ran through me like a lightning bolt.
I began to think that evening and had it confirmed in a conversation yesterday that I have been trying to do things all by myself lately. The result? Anxiety, frustration, fear, etc. I have felt disconnected in my relationship with the Lord but brushed it off as being tired or busy. I've continued to spend my quiet time with him each morning and He has been gracious enough to speak to me on many days, but overall it's just been a bit disconnected and I couldn't figure out why.
Yesterday, I had someone whom I've only known for about a month ask me what I'm afraid of. I was a little caught off guard but began to think about the question. He then said to me that based on my actions it appears that I believe what I say about God and all that He can do in my life and the life of others, but that my actions do not show that I have them written on my heart. He asked me if I really believe that God can do all that I say He can do. My initial response was to bow up and argue everything that he has observed but the Holy Spirit wouldn't allow it. Instead, what began to run through my head and in my heart was that I will cling to safety more often than I will cling to God. In the big things that I KNOW I can't handle, I toss them to God because they are out of my control. Bring in a new job, a new house, a new school and new schedule and I decide I'm going to keep a little piece of it myself. What it boils down to is unbelief. Not believing that God is my creator, my sustainer, my strength, my shield, my redeemer, my all and HE controls everything. I control nothing. As long as I choose to continue to live a life that keeps me switching from the passenger's seat to the driver's seat, I will remain in this place of fear and feeling like I have to do everything perfectly so that I will not disappoint my boss, my family, my children, my friends. That is not what God wants for us. He wants us to walk in the freedom of His love and His plan for our lives. HE NEVER FAILS.
He gives us just what we need at the time that we need it. We choose the safety net that best suits us instead of trusting that He provides in whatever is in line with HIS plan for us. I will never be perfect. There will be days that I try to "send Him away and do it ALL BY MYSELF" and I am thankful that each time He welcomes me back with enough love to cover my rebellion and unbelief.
I'll close with one more thing that was shared with me yesterday that has really hit home.
My co-worker said to me, " Laura, I think that you could engineer a plane. You would know every intricate detail of the plane, know everything about the safety mechanics on the plane and be able to tell everyone how great the plane is and how safe the plane is, but I don't know with where you are right now that you would actually get on the plane." As difficult as that was to hear, today I know that that is true. For about the past 8 or 9 weeks I have been in a season of unbelief, knowing in my head that God is in control of all of my circumstances, but not having it written on my heart. Today, I will begin taking the steps towards freedom of not only stepping on that plane, but allowing the God who knows me better than anyone and loves me with an unending and unfailing love, to fly the plane.
"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you." Jeremiah 1:5
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