Beauty in the Desert

Hosea 2:14 "...I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

I mentioned yesterday that I've felt like I'm in the desert. When I think of the desert I think of brown, dry, prickly, nothingness - and then I read a verse like the one above.

Perhaps God leads us to the desert because He loves us enough to find a silent place. A place that when He speaks will go directly to our hearts because there is nothing else around to distract us. Perhaps, too, that is why we often don't volunteer to go to the desert. Silence is uncomfortable. In the silence we are often taken back to places that we may not want to revisit, or we are able to be still long enough to recognize things about ourselves or our lives that we really don't want to see.

In a world where we can fill our lives with "noise" - cell phones, email, email on cell phones, texting, iPods, tv, etc.- we must make a choice to be silent.

Psalm 4:4 ..."search your hearts and be silent."

I read the blog of the sweet friend whom I told I was in the desert last week and she gave me such a new perspective on what the desert can look like, if we allow it.

Desert redefined by an awesome Godchick: 1) vast land with that grows that bread of life; an area filled with the living water 2) a wild and exciting area full of opportunities to gain knowledge and grow closer with our Father in Heaven 3) an intimate and pleasant area (thanks, allie!)

What tremendous encouragement I received from that! I can't say that I embraced it the day that I read it, but as I have spent time with God both in prayer and in His word, He has tenderly spoken and reminded me of what He can do in the desert.

If you find yourself being led into the desert today, I pray that these verses will encourage you and allow you to embrace what God can do with what we often consider a dry wasteland.

Isaiah 41:18-20 ..."I will turn the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it."

Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, streams in the wasteland."

Psalm 78:15 "He split the rocks in the desert and gave them water as abundant as the seas."

Psalm 136:17 "to Him who led His people through the desert, His love endures forever."

When I ponder these verses and read all that God can do in the desert, I can praise Him for bringing me to this place.

If you have not heard the song below, I encourage you to check it out on You Tube. What beautiful lyrics.

Desert Song -

This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry,
This is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides,

And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness, or trial, or pain,
There is a faith proved more worth than gold,
So refine me Lord through the flame,

I will bring praise,
I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here,

This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way,
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on his promise I'll stand,

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship,

And this is my prayer in the harvest,
When favour and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again,
The seed I receive I will sow

Broken

Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart. O, God, you will not despise."

"Lord, today I bring to you my broken spirit and my broken heart. For some time now, I've chosen to insert you where I thought you were needed but for the most part have tried to prove that I can do it all by myself. I am tired. I am weary and I cannot do anymore on my own. Help me."

How many of you, like me, could make that your prayer today?

As I unpack that prayer, I realize that it is not until I give Him my brokenness that He has anything to work with. It is extremely difficult to work with someone or assist someone who thinks that it is their job to "make it happen." That is the person that I have been for months now. I've lived by the motto -- "If it is to be, it's up to me." What a joke. I haven't spoken that with words, but my actions have proven that I've edged God out in my self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency doesn't work! It may have the illusion of working on the outside, but I've found that inside I have become dry and crusty. Self-sufficiency hasn't made me a better mother, better employee, better girlfriend or better friend. It has made me grumpy, critical, overly stressed and empty. I told a friend the other day that I feel like I'm in the desert. I am parched and dehydrated and have felt as though I've been wandering aimlessly trying to find the "perfect solution." The crazy thing is, I've still gotten up and had my quiet time with the Lord. As I reflect on it, though, I've realized that I spent a little bit of time asking God to help me, but not believing that He could or would, then asking Him to get on board with my agenda of how to make things better at work, be less stressed, have more patience, etc.

God does not want us to live this way! That is why He tells us in Matthew 11 verse 28 "Come to Me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." What I struggle with is why I do not do that the minute I am burdened -- I wait until I am so weary that I must crawl to Him, completely parched. Thank goodness, He gently whispers to me that no matter how I come to Him, He is, and always has been, there. He is waiting with open arms to welcome me back with no rebuke, only love.

Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."

Today, I am learning that in order to do the one simple thing that He asks, that I must have the confidence that He is who He says He is and will do everything that He has promised He will do. By having faith in my Father, my Shepherd, my Savior not only will I be able to rest, but I can live in the freedom of the life that He has chosen for me.

Defined by Love

For years I allowed my life to be defined by my "love" relationships. I lost a lot of myself by doing that and realized that it wasn't such a healthy choice but today, I absolutely want ALL of my life to be defined by my greatest Love relationship - my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have struggled with understanding and accepting His love at times and it's most noticeable when I beat myself up for being a bad mom, a bad friend, being divorced, etc... The Lord, in His tender way whispered to my heart, "Are you willing to allow your life to be defined by your relationship with Me?"

Here is my response:

"Letting go. Let go. I've heard those words echoing in my head since 3 am. What is God calling me to let go of? For weeks, I have been trying to pick and choose what I want to give Him. Keeping the "most important" things for myself. Today, instead of picking and choosing, I am letting go of everything. Everything meaning my friendships, my relationships, my children, my church, MY dreams, my job. EVERYTHING. I am releasing everything to Him to do as HE sees fit - even if it isn't the same plan that I have. I am letting go of my fears and may safety nets. I am choosing to STAND and DWELL in the midst of God's great love for me. I am letting go of MY ideals to make room for His. I'm letting go of MY thoughts of what is best for me to allow HIM to provide HIS best for me. Today I am letting go of MY world and MY life to allow HIM the blank canvas to work on HIS masterpiece; to allow HIM to leave out anything that does not resemble the person that HE calls me to be. It is scary. It is exciting (except that I am addicted to safety) What I am learning is that for my life to be defined by my relationship with Him I must let go of EVERY part of MY life. By holding on to any part of my life or my world allows me only to view ME from MY perspective which is most often riddled with fear and performance anxiety. I am taking my cues from the world and a society that tells me to slow down or wait is to be lazy or irresponsible. (How much more irresponsible is it to step ahead of God?) When I decide to allow my life to be defined by Him - when I let Him write my story, I take cues from the Perfect Author, Teacher, Father and Friend. It's taken me a while to decide if I want to accept the role as the main character in HIS story and close the book on mine because in doing it's requiring complete, unabandoned love, trust and SURRENDER. By allowing my Love relationship with Him to define my life I am free to let go of the rules, fears and anxieties that plagued my earthly "love" relationships and simply bask in the grace and mercy of His great Love for me."

That is a pretty wordy response, but it speaks to the steps that I am taking to know only claim to know His love for me, but to step out in faith and begin to truly accept the unending, undying and unchanging love that He has for me.

I will sing for joy in God, explode in praise from deep in my soul!
He dressed me up in a suit of salvation, he outfitted me in a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo and a bride a jeweled tiara.
For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers, and as a garden cascades with blossoms, so the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom and puts praise on display before the nations. Isaiah 61:10(MSG)

A Season of Unbelief

God is using my children to speak very clearly to me these days. Now it's my job to hear it and obey.

On the way home from school last week, (Hagan's first week of kindergarten) Hagan said, "Mommy, I walk to my class with my friends. There are a lot of friends whose mommies bring them to our class." Ouch! To encourage him (but more to cover my guilt of not being able to) I said to him, "Wow, Hagan! I am so proud of you for being so brave that you can do it all by yourself! You don't even need your mommy to go with you." This is how he responded, "Mommy! I wasn't all by myself. Remember, I had Grandaddy (his favorite angel), God and Jesus with me. How did you forget that mommy?" Hmmm... "Tomorrow I am going to SEND THEM ALL AWAY and do it ALL BY MYSELF." I explained to him quickly why it was not such a great idea to send them away and as I shared that the conviction ran through me like a lightning bolt.

I began to think that evening and had it confirmed in a conversation yesterday that I have been trying to do things all by myself lately. The result? Anxiety, frustration, fear, etc. I have felt disconnected in my relationship with the Lord but brushed it off as being tired or busy. I've continued to spend my quiet time with him each morning and He has been gracious enough to speak to me on many days, but overall it's just been a bit disconnected and I couldn't figure out why.

Yesterday, I had someone whom I've only known for about a month ask me what I'm afraid of. I was a little caught off guard but began to think about the question. He then said to me that based on my actions it appears that I believe what I say about God and all that He can do in my life and the life of others, but that my actions do not show that I have them written on my heart. He asked me if I really believe that God can do all that I say He can do. My initial response was to bow up and argue everything that he has observed but the Holy Spirit wouldn't allow it. Instead, what began to run through my head and in my heart was that I will cling to safety more often than I will cling to God. In the big things that I KNOW I can't handle, I toss them to God because they are out of my control. Bring in a new job, a new house, a new school and new schedule and I decide I'm going to keep a little piece of it myself. What it boils down to is unbelief. Not believing that God is my creator, my sustainer, my strength, my shield, my redeemer, my all and HE controls everything. I control nothing. As long as I choose to continue to live a life that keeps me switching from the passenger's seat to the driver's seat, I will remain in this place of fear and feeling like I have to do everything perfectly so that I will not disappoint my boss, my family, my children, my friends. That is not what God wants for us. He wants us to walk in the freedom of His love and His plan for our lives. HE NEVER FAILS.

He gives us just what we need at the time that we need it. We choose the safety net that best suits us instead of trusting that He provides in whatever is in line with HIS plan for us. I will never be perfect. There will be days that I try to "send Him away and do it ALL BY MYSELF" and I am thankful that each time He welcomes me back with enough love to cover my rebellion and unbelief.

I'll close with one more thing that was shared with me yesterday that has really hit home.

My co-worker said to me, " Laura, I think that you could engineer a plane. You would know every intricate detail of the plane, know everything about the safety mechanics on the plane and be able to tell everyone how great the plane is and how safe the plane is, but I don't know with where you are right now that you would actually get on the plane." As difficult as that was to hear, today I know that that is true. For about the past 8 or 9 weeks I have been in a season of unbelief, knowing in my head that God is in control of all of my circumstances, but not having it written on my heart. Today, I will begin taking the steps towards freedom of not only stepping on that plane, but allowing the God who knows me better than anyone and loves me with an unending and unfailing love, to fly the plane.

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you." Jeremiah 1:5

A Little Bit of Courage

"Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."Joshua 1:9 (Msg)

Recently I was talking to Hagan, my 5 year old, and asked him how he felt about going to a new school. His response was, "I am exci...well, mommy, I think I'm going to need just a little bit of courage."

How often do you and do I just gloss over the fact that when faced with something new, we are a little fearful? As I have reflected on that conversation over the past few weeks, I've thought about how much courage it took for him to even say that. In today's world we are taught(especially males) to be self-reliant, to push through. We have been taught that to admit that we're scared equals weakness. How much more quickly could those fears be relieved if we would immediately take it to the One who calms our fears. (That doesn't mean that they completely go away - we are human!) The One who knows exactly what we need and provides for us.

Lately I have needed "a little bit of courage." In the midst of a career change, building a house and sending my first child to kindergarten (my fingers still quiver at typing that) I have found myself gliding right through and saying I'm really excited! Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and feel extremely blessed to be the receiver of such amazing gifts from God. Still, I get scared. The enemy has done a great job of keeping me busy so that I hear his voice planting seeds of doubt in my abilities, my finances, and letting my "baby" find his wings. In keeping me so busy I am unable to hear the voice of my Shepherd reminding me to "be strong and courageous because HE is with me every step of the way." I was made aware of this just 2 days ago when I was sharing with my sister my latest "fear." She said to me, "You always need something to worry about, don't you?" Ouch! I didn't enjoy hearing that, but am thankful for her words because it reminded me of who I was listening to. (And it WASN'T my Shepherd)

As I was driving to work this morning, a song by Mark Harris popped into my head:

"Find Your Wings"
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

(if you have a chance, I would encourage you to check this out on iTunes or Youtube)

In what areas of your life do you need a "little bit of courage?" I know today that I have quite a few and I have finally slowed down enough to allow myself to hear God speak. Don't let the lies of the enemy clip your wings. Stand firm in the love of Jesus, spread your wings and FLY!


"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Phillipians 4:13 (Msg)



"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13(NKJ)

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:19(NIV)

Broken Hearts

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted" (portion of Isaiah 61:1)

Oh, what we learn from our children! This one will be short and sweet, but I hope that it is as powerful to you as it was to me.

The boys and I were in the car last night and I have no idea what prompted Everett (4) to say to Hagan(5), "Well, I will just get your heart and break it in two!" Hagan responded, "Nope! You can't do that because God, Jesus and the Angels live there and they won't let that happen." "WOW! I thought." Everett then said, "What if I just SQUEEEEEEZE it really, really tightly?" Hagan's response, "You can do that but it won't ever stay broken because if it does God, Jesus and the Angels will put it back together. That is just what they do." Not only was this my second "wow" moment but it prompted me to remember that no matter what breaks our hearts, our freedom comes in remembering that God, Jesus and the Angels can heal those hurt or broken hearts if we allow them to take up residence there. What is breaking or has broken your heart today? Won't you put it in the healing hands of our Lord and allow Him to bind it up?

Have a day full of blessings.

Lessons from a Father's Love

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but he is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me.
Oh, yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
For the Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me!
He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me.
Oh, yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
For the Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me
He will stay close beside me all the way
He’s prepared a home for me
And someday his face I’ll see.

Oh, yes, Jesus loves me.
Oh, yes, Jesus loves me.
He loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
For the Bible tells me so.

Never have the words and verses of this song spoken so tenderly to my heart.

Heaven received a precious angel on Sunday when Molly Rowlee left this earth after a 6 month battle with cancer to join our Creator. I never had the opportunity to meet Molly in person, but the way that her Dad shared her with many of us gave us a glimpse into the sweet girl that she was.
Buck, her dad, and I went to college together then years later ended up on the same surf shop route across the NC coast in sales, so our paths crossed fairly frequently for a while. I remember when Meg, his wife, was pregnant with Molly.

While I never met her on this earth, the lessons I've learned through Molly's journey over the past 6 months will remain etched in my heart until I meet her face to face in Heaven.

I've learned that our days are numbered and it's not our age that determines the years we live on this earth, so whatever you do, do with all of your heart -- especially if it includes dressing your best Hannah Montana outfit and performing. "Meighan and I smile at the thought that all of them are having to sit down on the couch while Molly - dressed in her best Hannah Montana outfit - performs for them." "Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp. For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation." Psalm 149:3-4

I've learned that it doesn't matter what we look like on the outside, it's the love that overflows from our hearts that makes us beautiful. Meg, Molly's mommy, was one of the first to shave her head when she knew that Molly would lose her hair from chemo. "{A friend} just popped over to the house and she shaved Meighan's head. Meighan looks absolutely beautiful, really, and Meg is my hero. Thank you, God, that I have this lady on my team. " "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I Peter 3:3-5

I've learned that no matter how frustrated I get with my children that to be able to hold them at the end of the day is a precious gift - "I held Molly's hand throughout the night. I was able to sleep beside her, and although I wasn't able to snuggle up to her tightly - because of all of the tubes and wires - I was able to hold her hand and kiss her beautiful face." "Don't you see that children are God's best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! " Psalm 127:3-5 (The Msg)

I've learned how important it is to create memories with those we love - "Yesterday morning I needed to surf alone. If you were in the water, then you know that it was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the waves were perfect, and I could not control my tears. I was an emotional wreck until I saw the sparkles of light dancing off of the water. Molly was dancing, she was free, and she was shouting, "Good surf, good surfing, daddy!" as she always sang from the beach when I was in the water."

There are so many more things that I could share but then you all would be reading forever! Instead, I will end it with some things that I have known, but was reminded of and know that I need to continue to remember in this blessing called life.

First, we cannot get through this gig called life without community - "Hampton is home, but the wonderful community that has embraced our family extends far beyond the NH seacoast area. Thank you all for everything that you have provided to my family. Meighan and I have been so very appreciative. You have kept us alive, enabled us to find the power to face Molly's struggles, and without all of you playing such a crucial role in our lives we would be lost. Bless you all and Meg and I love you all so much. A simple "thank you" cannot possibly express our gratitude, but Meighan and I are so thankful - so very grateful - for the love that you all continue to shower upon our family." "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. "Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Second, God always has a plan. Even when we don't see it or understand it He has a plan - "Meighan and I have realized that there had to be a "higher power" drawing us back to NH, and this fact really hit home when Molly was diagnosed with cancer. A few summers ago, Meighan and I were having dinner at 931 and I told Meg that I needed to leave my job and I wanted to move the family back to Hampton. In retrospect, it's obvious to me now why I had to bring the family to Hampton. This community is the only place on earth where Meighan and I could deal with Molly's illness." "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Third, Love conquers all and covers all. "The day that you were born was the happiest day in my life. Every father should be blessed with having a daughter and you were a surprise. Mommy and I didn't want the doctor's to tell us whether or not we were having a boy or a girl, and when you arrived into this world and blessed mommy and I...I was crying tears of joy. You were so beautiful. Mommy and I are crying now only because we can't help you get better. I would if I could, sweetie, believe me. I would trade places with you in a flash if that was an option. The only thing that mommy and I can do is pray." "We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19 {Love} always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

One of the things that continued to inspire me was that Meg and Buck never gave up hope. Today, they remain hopeful that Molly's death will serve a purpose. I believe that purpose is already being seen. Molly's short life has touched those who have been on this journey with her in ways that others may not touch us in 50 years. The one thing that I have read in the many messages is that walking this journey with the Rowlees has prompted people to be better fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, sons and daughters.

Growing to know and love Molly since February has given me a new perspective on how I view my blessings and I pray that on the days I want to grumble, or the days that my patience are wearing thin (which have been WAY prevalent lately) that she will reach down from the Heavens and remind me of what is important.

This has been lengthy and could go on for days, but I hope that through this lens you will each have a different view of your lives, your families and your loved ones today.

Buck and Meg have had the ability to make us laugh through our tears with their unwillingness to let Molly's battle be anything but an example of how to love and persevere in ways that we think are unimaginable, unless we are faced with it ourselves.

To conclude, I will share one of the last excerpts from Molly's care page. A message from a father to his child. "Have fun baby! Sing! Smile and Have Fun! Daddy loves you!" So often on the days lately that I have sat like a bump on a log in a puddle of self pity, I wonder if my Heavenly Father, who loves me more than I can possibly imagine, is saying this to me.

Molly's care page site is www.carepages.com/carepages/MollyAnnRowlee. If you have some time, and some kleenex, you should check it out. It will make you smile through your tears....