"Lord, today I bring to you my broken spirit and my broken heart. For some time now, I've chosen to insert you where I thought you were needed but for the most part have tried to prove that I can do it all by myself. I am tired. I am weary and I cannot do anymore on my own. Help me."
How many of you, like me, could make that your prayer today?
As I unpack that prayer, I realize that it is not until I give Him my brokenness that He has anything to work with. It is extremely difficult to work with someone or assist someone who thinks that it is their job to "make it happen." That is the person that I have been for months now. I've lived by the motto -- "If it is to be, it's up to me." What a joke. I haven't spoken that with words, but my actions have proven that I've edged God out in my self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency doesn't work! It may have the illusion of working on the outside, but I've found that inside I have become dry and crusty. Self-sufficiency hasn't made me a better mother, better employee, better girlfriend or better friend. It has made me grumpy, critical, overly stressed and empty. I told a friend the other day that I feel like I'm in the desert. I am parched and dehydrated and have felt as though I've been wandering aimlessly trying to find the "perfect solution." The crazy thing is, I've still gotten up and had my quiet time with the Lord. As I reflect on it, though, I've realized that I spent a little bit of time asking God to help me, but not believing that He could or would, then asking Him to get on board with my agenda of how to make things better at work, be less stressed, have more patience, etc.
God does not want us to live this way! That is why He tells us in Matthew 11 verse 28 "Come to Me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." What I struggle with is why I do not do that the minute I am burdened -- I wait until I am so weary that I must crawl to Him, completely parched. Thank goodness, He gently whispers to me that no matter how I come to Him, He is, and always has been, there. He is waiting with open arms to welcome me back with no rebuke, only love.
Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."
Today, I am learning that in order to do the one simple thing that He asks, that I must have the confidence that He is who He says He is and will do everything that He has promised He will do. By having faith in my Father, my Shepherd, my Savior not only will I be able to rest, but I can live in the freedom of the life that He has chosen for me.
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